REAL stories passed around the campfire

[Tiga X]

...2 hermaphrodites actually came walking in! Jackson raised his hand and...

[Ark]

...was hit by lightning and died. Followed by a low voice emanating down from the skies; "that shit just aint right d00d. Come on over to my crib and i'll show you how a true christian...

[rr]

Underground There Isn’t Much Photography?


Anti Chapter 2 in 1

Ambulances are the vehicles deployed when people are in need of hospital treatment. Some people do not know, but these vehicles run on nuclear power. The rumour that ambulances run on solar powered batteries is nothing but an urban myth started by EMI, an underground group of scientists intent on discrediting the record label of the same name.

This links us perfectly to the origins of science.
Science, possibly the greatest invention ever, can be dated back to the 1600s, it was first developed by a well-known hermit (you all know his name), he made the revolutionary discovery of inventing the revolution. This was a turning point in the development of mankind as a whole and led to such famous quotes as
"You are a shit-off. Now shit off you shit-off" (Plato's last words, Circa. 1933)
On the day of Plato's death many newspapers covered the story of how he was killed in a tragic bean allergy accident. The one newspaper, which managed not to find out about it until several years later, was the ‘gard de le nord express’. This was the front cover...

Woman gives birth to toaster demon July 18th

On 17th July 2004 Mrs Derris Dean gave birth to what has been identified by leading scientist (Shirt Caravan) as the toaster incarnation of Satan. Satanists all over the world have rejoiced in the streets proclaiming "I LIKE JAM, and Tuesday!" Mrs Derris Dean said she was happy to hand over her toaster offspring to the Vatican where he will be kept in a safety box. As you may know the Vatican is still strongly against any toast based products banning pop tarts claiming them to be "not undelicious". Stay tuned for updates.

I GOT NEWS!


Chapter 1

This type of random news coverage can be seen even today with such audacity that it could kill a grown man; admittedly he would have to be a Norwegian on top of mount Kenya (not as rare as one would think). Now if you asked me yesterday if I was one to randomly shout at the milkman for trying to shoot the dustman for sleeping with my wife or even strangling the cheeseman, I would of had to have said yes. But now with all this random news coverage I am not certain I could.

Well anyway, I think that since I had some kind of alcoholic beverage in my rectum I believe that you deserve to know that there was a terrible ten month news coverage by BBC Rectum (The new BBC channel specializing in Rectums only available on freeview and sky) I can no longer hold my head up in public for fear of stoning. While in the UK I was forced into a shameful abyss of tabloids and scandals, in Japan my new single had just got to number 1 and I had 3 top ten albums already under my belt - without even knowing I had a musical talent. Turns out I was actually tone deaf but EMI, an underground science group intent on discrediting the record label of the same name, had released several albums under my name in an attempt to kill off the EMI share of the record market, however, instead of causing controversy it was ignored by the UK and US but lapped up by the Japanese.

Anti Chapter -3e

As I was saying if we look back on history we can see one common denominator, we see that fat men always finish last, this may be because of their superior body weight, however, some leading historians have suggested that it is infact the ability to eat the smaller people in the race that has resulted in the fat man coming in last as the people in their stomachs manage to jump out at the last moment and effectively use the fat man as a bus of some sorts. If we look deeper and deeper into the pie, which is history, we can conceive a second denominator; death is only the beginning for some people and many people have many more lives. Take for example, the fifty ninth reincarnation of Robin Hood. No, not the legendary Sherwood archer but the crazy three foot tall leprechaun who was committed to an insane asylum for serial bigamy with inanimate objects, before he was found out he was married to 12 cars, 4 benches and was engaged to a toaster. But anyway this fifty-ninth reincarnation is actually a Brevel toasty maker (The machine called a Brevel Toasty Maker not infact a man who makes Brevel Toasties), how appropriate!

Anti Chapter 89g

'The Unifactory Cambodian' theory was devised by George Foreman, just before his famous boxing match with David Bowie, in which Bowie wrote the song 'Starman', died and summoned several small carnation roses to kill George Foreman and his builder monkey foremen. This theory states that all factories in the world are infact controlled by one master factory in Cambodia. This factory was originally a small jack-in-a-box shop until Bill Gates bought it, during the ice age, and made it into a huge mass producing human machine, he called the factory ‘Where do the Spanish go in the Winter’ he changed the name to ‘The Antarctic when he was viciously mutilated by several thousand demanding heroin addicts. He changed it once more to ‘Factory’ when he found out this name was already taken

Chapter 2

I packed my bags and left immediately to Japan. Although I never told anyone about my move, I was greeted by the Japanese press and hundreds of screaming fans. I later found out it was customary of the Japanese to flock from miles around to greet planes coming from the west. However, when the press found out who I actually was several men wearing black kidnapped me and took me to the Tokyo branch of EMI, an underground science group intent on discrediting the record label of the same name. Here I was interrogated by many hundreds of genetically engineered French cheeses. These cheeses were expert swordsman trained by the CIA - a group of American spies, which managed to make a record company of the same name so unpopular they went out of business. For extra income they pillaged resources from poor countries and took them to America where they were fed to the populants of southern American ghettos. These citizens then went to expert the art of keeping small blue balls balanced in areas where air content is low in carbon monoxide. But the cheeses used powerful mind techniques to trick me into answering questions about how balloons could be used as time machines. After many hours of torture I was put in a cell. While I was here I pondered on how my life had completely turned around. I went from a nobody, who put an alcoholic beverage up his rectum, in the UK, to a kidnapped superstar in Japan in just 56½ hours. I went into a deep trance of thought for at least 2¾ minutes. I was brought back to reality by a prison guard who told me that because he trusted me so much he was going to unlock the cell door and let me hold his gun while he was completely defenseless. He also told me that he would give me the key to the cupboard and then stand in there until he heard some kind of locking sound. He unlocked the door, gave me his gun, gave me the key to the cupboard then proceeded to stand in the cupboard. While he was doing this I was pondering on my escape. On one side there was an open door to freedom and on the other there was a solid brick wall…

Pg 40
People may ask why the “brick” you do what you do, I simply reply with a swift stare and a bottle to the head. This motto has gotten me to where I am today with 16 private beaches and a turtle called George who sadly passed away due to neglect and torture.
The swift stare is an ability, which only the ancient Chinese could master. Although when I saw an advert with the headline of “Learn the swift stare within minutes” I had to give it a try, for a mere 900 billion yen (£10. What did I have to lose? I later lost all my dignity in a bet with my so-called friend who said the class wouldn’t work.
When first inducted into this 12-year course I tried to launch a law suit claiming that the claimed course in minutes actually took years. However this crafty ancient china man claimed that the course in fact taught you how to learn the ability in minute and not actually the ability itself. Those crafty Chinese masters them.
On the topic of China, it is said to be the most populated country in the world, however contrary to popular belief it is in fact Basing Stoke. This happened due to a freak accident including several kebabs and a cloning machine. While many discredited this, the EMI, an underground science group intent on discrediting the record label of the same name, supported this argument, however when three members decided to take a lie detector test they were found murdered in there ground floor hotel room in Nepal.
Charlie Chaplin undertook the first murder on Boxing Day of 1977, admittedly after Chaplin’s death, but nonetheless, 16 traps went off killing friends and family, which were set by Chaplin’s cousin who was also related to another square moustache wearing individual, yes you all know the one.

Chapter –12345676412345678998654r (AND NOW THE STORY)(YUP)

“I think I've just pissed myself” The guard said.

Chatper pV=nRT
“At last the dastard has let his guard down” I proclaimed in a soliloquy audible only to Macbeth and seven other shakpearean characters. I was then severely beaten by the guard who was in fact Bottom from a Midsummer Nights Dream. (stop this shit now)

A small extract from he guardians story time
Copyright 1988 By Mr Calum Davies and MR Timothy Congreve
Deranged

[Manibrandr System]

wtf!?

[Tiga X]

Indeed... Spammer!!!

[inferiare]

But.... we're all spammers here.

[Tiga X]

Allright then...
LAMER!!!

[Manibrandr System]

LOLersk8erz!

[Axe Kazama]

rr wrote:

Chapter –12345676412345678998654r (AND NOW THE STORY)(YUP) “I think I've just pissed myself” The guard said.

My favourite chapter!!

[jamesvenz]

ok back on the subject

jackson wakes up from his dream with his dad thinking his son wouldn't wake up was......

[Manibrandr System]

Oh great, it's YOU again. Go away Jamez, we already gave you 2 chances.

[PaGaN3l3m3nts]

...tying each of Jackson's limbs to the bedposts. Noticing the waking Jackson, the father smiled and explained that...

[jamesvenz]

Joan-Michele wrote:

Oh great, it's YOU again. Go away Jamez, we already gave you 2 chances.

look i'm probally pissing every one off but i swear i didn't make that alternate account


and on the topic
jackson had to be castrated but .....

[Manibrandr System]

Well, then, why did Boxxle prove otherwise? You know, I'm quite disappointed, you were actually on the mend, then you fuck it all up by pulling that shit. Sorry kiddo, but what goes around comes around, and you're certainly ain't getting an easy way out this time.