Need an Opinion...

[SoulBlazerFan]

Long time no see everybody... SBiF's here. I've been really busy... my birthday is on the 19th... I'm looking into purchasing a video camera and start making some independent features of my own. I've been developing my own screenplay in the last few weeks. I thought I'd put up a sample from the script, something not too revealing of the films plot.




(WARNING: The following script portion may contain adult language and themes. If you are whole-heartedly against foul-mouthed and disgusting humor, stop reading this instant. Otherwise, proceed with caution)



SCENE 2, EXTERIOR, BEEF N' BUNNS RESTURAUNT, NIGHTFALL (WE WILL ACCOMPLISH THE NAME CHANGE VIA A STILL SHOT OF THE EXTERIOR, WHICH WILL LATER BE PHOTO-SHOPPED TO A NEW NAME)

WE CUT TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE EXTERIOR OF THE RESTAURANT. JASON’S CAR PULLS INTO THE LOT, SETTLING INTO ONE OF THE PARKING SPACES ADJACENT TO THE BUILDING. THE TWO ENTER.

INTERIOR RESTAURANT, NIGHT

JASON HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM, WHILE LEE HEADS FOR THE ORDERING COUNTER. WE SEE A MAN, GARY, STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER, WEARING A HEAD SET. LEE LOOKS UP TO THE MENU BOARD, LOOKING OVER THE VARIOUS CHOICES. JASON RETURNS FROM THE BATHROOM.

GARY

Welcome to Beef N’ Buns, can I take your order?

JASON
(Snicker-giggle)

That never gets old. (Turns to LEE) I just had a near fatal accident.

LEE

And that would be?

JASON

Castration by toilet.

LEE
(Snicker)

Oh really?

JASON

You ever flushed while still on the bowl?

LEE
(Disgusted)

Never.

JASON

Never?

LEE
(Affirming)

Never. Why would I? There’s no point.

JASON

No point, huh? Well, I have. When you do, you get this nice, satisfying “poof” of air against the gouch.

LEE

Leave it to you to find satisfaction from a toilet.

JASON

Well, to, getting back on track, I was about to do it, but I had a... change of heart.

LEE

Didn’t want to do it in a public place?

CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM, FLASHBACK

WORDS COME UP ON THE SCREEN, SAYING “THREE MINUTES EARLIER.” JASON IS ON THE BOWL, PANTS DOWN, HAND STEADILY REACHING FOR THE FLUSH HANDLE. JUST BEFORE HE FLUSHES, THE STALL DOOR OPENS, A GIRL WALKS IN, AND LETS OUT A SCREAM. WE THEN CUT TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE BATHROOM, WITH HER RUNNING OUT. WE CUT TO A CLOSE UP OF THE SIGN ON THE DOOR, WHICH READS “LADIES.” WE THEN RETURN TO THE PRESENT.

JASON
(Lost in thought)

...Something like that. (Shakes head) But I’m glad I did. When I trigger that bad boy, WHOOSH! Two hundreds horses of flushing power.

LEE

Well wouldn’t that give you a better... “Poof”?

JASON

Not this one. It probably would’ve pulled my dick clean off.

GARY

Hey, excuse me, you two- are you going to order something or just stand there while other customers are leaving because of your foul-mouthed conversation?

LEE
(To Gary)

I apologize, I didn’t mean to cause any disturbances.

JASON
(Snickering)

I did.

GARY
(Highly annoyed)

I’m going to have to ask you two to leave, right now.

LEE

(To Jason, as they head off camera)
You always get us into shit, you jack-off.

JASON
(Trailing off)

Yeah, whatever, the guy was a cock-gobbler anyway.

GARY
(Under breath)

Fuck nuggets.

(END OF SCENE)

Comments? Critiques? Do share.


SBiF

[Moddex]

Reminded me somehow of family guy on some level. Also had that Conker's Bad Fur Day feel. Needs more script though before I can really make any guesses. Good format though.

[inferiare]

You know my take on it. However, that's more script format than screenplay. But you knew that too, since I mentioned it to you. XD