Christmas stories (lovingly retold by Freedan)

[Freedan]

So I just thought I'd share some classic Christmas stories with everyone, with some slight editing and/or alternate endings. Enjoy.



Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Santa and his reindeer lived at the North Pole, working on Christmas stuff. One day, one of the reindeer was born with a birth defect (that glowy nose stuff). The other reindeer, being unenlightened pricks, picked on him and made light of his problems. They wouldn't include him in their games, and when they did, he was always picked last for dodgeball.

Christmas Eve came along, and Santa was getting ready to make his rounds. But there was a terrible snowstorm raging, and he couldn't see fuck all. So he called Rudolph, and asked if he could use him like a searchlight.

Rudolph looked at Santa, looked at the reindeer, then back at Santa and said "fuck you. I was a God damn pariah for a year, and now you want my help? They treated me like shit, and you sat on your fat ass and let it happen. Fuck you, fuck Christmas, and fuck every last one of you reindeer shitheads."

As a result, Christmas was canceled, and millions upon millions of children were disappointed come December 25th.

The end.



Frosty the Snowman

Some kids were out making a snowman instead of doing something productive. Meanwhile, some idiot magician who couldn't do magic threw away a hat, but the hat was magic.

The kids grabbed the hat (dumpster divers) and used it for their snowman. It came to life, but unfortunately, was retarded. The magician wanted his hat back, but the kids told him to fuck himself.

So the magician trapped the retarded snowman in a greenhouse until he died. He took his hat back, but Santa came by, fucked him up a bit, rebuilt the snowman and stole the hat back. Frosty was pissed now; he gave the magician a nasty case of frostbite and his pecker fell off.

The end.



A Christmas Carol

Some nasty old prick named Scrooge was counting his money one day, when the ghost of his old partner, Marley, showed up. Marley told him that unless he stopped being a bastard, he'd end up going to hell.

"Fuck you, Marley", Scrooge said. "You're just pissed that I forged your will when you died."

Marley told him he'd have 3 ghosts break in to his house that night. Scrooge waited until the first one showed up, the ghost of Christmas Past. It showed him how his lust for wealth as a young man drove everyone away from him, including the ho he was banging. "Pfeh... she was a bitch anyway", Scrooge said. "Never put out."

Then the second ghost, Christmas Present, came by and told Scrooge that his greed was making people poor, and his only employee's crippled kid was going to die. Scrooge snickered.

Then the third ghost, Christmas Future, came, took them both to a cemetery, and told Scrooge that he was going to die unloved and un-mourned. "What the fuck do I care?", Scrooge asked. "I'll be dead." Then he spit in the ghost's eye and shoved him in to an open grave.

The next morning, he woke up, went to the window, and called out to a boy "what day is this?". The boy answered "Christmas day, you fucking idiot."

Scrooge threw a rock at the boy, and gave him a nasty cut. Then he grinned. "If they thought I was a contemptible dick before, they ain't seen nothing yet." Then he pushed an old lady to the ground, yelled at some hospital patients, and closed down the orphanage forever.

The end.



More to come.

[SoulBlazerFan]

All I can say is...

Merry Christmas bro. (I like your enduring use of the word prick, btw. I think it's awesome)

[Blade]

Quote:

Fuck you, fuck Christmas, and fuck every last one of you reindeer shitheads.

win.

[Mantaray]

fulairious

[EverPhoenix]

Blade wrote:

Quote: Fuck you, fuck Christmas, and fuck every last one of you reindeer shitheads. win.

+1

[tay120n64]

Nice. Keep 'em comin!

[NoZKeY]

Lol reindeer history. I liked it

[inferiare]

Can I contribute one? It's not so much of a story, but something to make you think (and note, it wasn't me that thought of this):

Santa is a pedo. You know that song "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"? Think about it: he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake? He knows when you've been bad or good? He watches little kids do EVERYTHING in a day. HE'S A PEDO.

[chicken]

rainichan wrote:

Can I contribute one? It's not so much of a story, but something to make you think (and note, it wasn't me that thought of this): Santa is a pedo. You know that song "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"? Think about it: he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake? He knows when you've been bad or good? He watches little kids do EVERYTHING in a day. HE'S A PEDO.

SANTA WATCHES YOU POOP!

[inferiare]

chicken wrote:

rainichan wrote: Can I contribute one? It's not so much of a story, but something to make you think (and note, it wasn't me that thought of this): Santa is a pedo. You know that song "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"? Think about it: he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake? He knows when you've been bad or good? He watches little kids do EVERYTHING in a day. HE'S A PEDO. SANTA WATCHES YOU POOP!

HE DOES. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, THAT LINE OF THE SONG IS TOTALLY TRUE.

[Jason Tandro]

Epic Win.

[Ocie Denver]

YouTube - Rare Exports

YouTube - Rare Exports, Part 2

YouTube - The Winter Stalker www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2EK6iYqsuE

[Freedan]

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Once upon a time, there was a city full of people called the Whos that loved Christmas, and some asshole who didn't. He'd bitch that they made a shitload of noise with their toys, and their singing kept him up at night, which seem like pretty reasonable complaints. But they didn't give a shit about him because he wasn't white, and they had a feast while he subsisted on the scant amount of goat feces he could find in the mountains.

One day, the Grinch had an idea. He'd break in to their houses and steal their shit for himself. So for some reason, he dressed like Santa - an odd choice, considering he did it when everyone was asleep - and swiped their presents.

While he was trying to shove the Christmas tree up the chimney (instead of the front door), a little girl... little Cindy Lou Who... heard the racket, and busted him. But she was only two years old, and so thought he was Santa, despite the fact that he was obviously green and not human. She started asking a bunch of stupid questions about why he was taking their Christmas Tree. The Grinch hadn't planned on that, but came up with a convincing lie:

"My dear", he said, "there's a light on the tree that's burned out. So I'm taking it back to my workshop to fix it. Then I'll bring it... wait, why am I talking to a two-year-old?". Then he punted her across the room and chipped one of her teeth.




After he finished his burglaries, he doused the presents in gasoline and burned everything. Then he returned home.

The next morning, the Whos woke up and found their stuff was gone. They became horribly disillusioned with Christmas, and never celebrated again.

Also, Cindy Lou Who needed dental surgery.

The end.

[Jason Tandro]

OMG. That picture is awesome!

[tay120n64]

*punt*

That was fantabulous.