Friendship

[Jason Tandro]

Based on my recent strife in Private Board I've been running through a sort of flow-chart in my mind.

What friendships can survive what trauma and to what degree?

For instance, my former bff who I'll refer to in this public board as Penguin (for reasons that make me laugh and make you all go ).;

We were bff for a year. I decide I don't want to hate this one girl and then make a joking comment about something which really offends her (which I, of course, immediately apologize for), and now she thinks I'm apparently the spawn of Satan.

Because of the events in the Private Board she has threatened me with violence (her military bf, not her although to be frank I doubt I could take her. The girl is tough. )

That kills that friendship. This does not mean I hate her and wish her any kind of ill will. This means that I cannot trust her and that I do not feel safe around her. I still look back on our time when we were friends with much fondness. If it hadn't been for her, my last year would have been completely miserable.

But I have to protect myself.

And so I've come up with a theorum about the degree of friendship and the type of trauma that would occur where you should end it for your own safety. Mind you if you can talk it out and work it out, good on you, but fool me once...

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<6 month friend: Drop the friendship if they start spreading rumors about you.

1 year friend: Drop the friendship if they indirectly threaten you with violence.

1-5 year friend: Drop the friendship if they are emotionally abusive or directly threaten you with violence.

5+ year friend: Drop the friendship if they are physically violent with you while sober (if they are drunk if it was a one-time fluke, cut them slack, but the second time drop them) OR if there is a serious legal battle.

[psychokind]

Jason Tandro wrote:

<6 month friend: Drop the friendship if they start spreading rumors about you. 1 year friend: Drop the friendship if they indirectly threaten you with violence. 1-5 year friend: Drop the friendship if they are emotionally abusive or directly threaten you with violence. 5+ year friend: Drop the friendship if they are physically violent with you while sober (if they are drunk if it was a one-time fluke, cut them slack, but the second time drop them) OR if there is a serious legal battle.

1) don't call somebody friend if you don't even know him for at least 5 years.
2) you're a guy, nobody can abuse you emotionally
3) if you're not fearless in front of a friend, it's not a friend. if the possibility exists for him to raise hand against you in a not male-friend way, he can't be a friend. a friend always strengthens your own position, he cannot be a risk factor in any way.
4) you benefit from a friend , and he benefits from you. if this is only onesided, it's not a friendship
5) if your friend is angry because you didn't call for some time, somethings wrong with him (maybe gay)
6) competition and trial of strength is important for friends
7) a friend won't ask for your emotions, and you won't tell your emotions. (7) doesn't apply when you're drunk

these apply to male friendships, I have a female friend for just 2 years, so I can't tell any hard facts about it.

[Jason Tandro]

psychokind wrote:

1) don't call somebody friend if you don't even know him for at least 5 years.

I disagree completely. I generally refer to anybody I've known for a month who I don't hate my "friend".

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2) you're a guy, nobody can abuse you emotionally

I also disagree here, though I think we're less sensitive to it than women.

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3) if you're not fearless in front of a friend, it's not a friend. if the possibility exists for him to raise hand against you in a not male-friend way, he can't be a friend. a friend always strengthens your own position, he cannot be a risk factor in any way.

Agree completely.

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4) you benefit from a friend , and he benefits from you. if this is only onesided, it's not a friendship

Agree completely.

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5) if your friend is angry because you didn't call for some time, somethings wrong with him (maybe gay)

Eh... I wouldn't say all the time.

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6) competition and trial of strength is important for friends

Well certainly, amongst male friends.

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7) a friend won't ask for your emotions, and you won't tell your emotions.

Again, I know females and males operate differently. I very rarely talk with my "feelings" with my male friends. It's sort of implied. Women are different though (and frankly I think they're more advanced than us in that respect.)

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(7) doesn't apply when you're drunk

God this reminds me of my friend who will, at almost every party, down to forties of Old English 800 or Steel Reserve and then cry about how nobody wants to sleep with him.

[SoulBlazerFan]

I think friendship is what the person makes of it- just as is love. I don't agree with your "Five year rule" about calling someone a friend, but I would reply to that about "Good friends" or best friends.

[psychokind]

SoulBlazerFan wrote:

I think friendship is what the person makes of it- just as is love. I don't agree with your "Five year rule" about calling someone a friend, but I would reply to that about "Good friends" or best friends.

that's about what I meant, just to call somebody buddy first, then friend. "good" friend would be somebody who lastet at least 10 years as a friend somehow. of course, this is approximately

[Manibrandr System]

I have seen frendships grow and drop pretty quickly. To me, it all comes down to the kind of values they hold and the integrity they carry in their actions.

[psychokind]

Valerie Valens wrote:

I have seen frendships grow and drop pretty quickly. To me, it all comes down to the kind of values they hold and the integrity they carry in their actions.

and to know the right moment of loyalty overwhelming those values.

[Dark_Gaia]

hm u sure give friendship a bit of complexity. i find it all rather simple. ive got mates and best friends. mates r just ppl i like n talk to sometimes maybe hang out. n my best mates well thats self explanatory. if somones a dick then i just let it go or if theyre a real dick then just never talk to them again or fist fight it out (") (-_-) (") its there loss if they dun wanna be mates

[SoulBlazerFan]

I find the scummiest people are the ones who are your friends, and then seem to ignore your existence, for no reason whatsoever. I've had people like this in my life, and, while they now want to be around me, I take them with a grain of salt. If you got a problem with someone, you should just be up front about it. That's all.

[Ratty Randnums]

psychokind wrote:

Valerie Valens wrote: I have seen frendships grow and drop pretty quickly. To me, it all comes down to the kind of values they hold and the integrity they carry in their actions. and to know the right moment of loyalty overwhelming those values.

Eh I'd say that's covered under the integrity they carry in their actions myself.

[Jason Tandro]

Ratty Randnums wrote:

psychokind wrote: Valerie Valens wrote: I have seen frendships grow and drop pretty quickly. To me, it all comes down to the kind of values they hold and the integrity they carry in their actions. and to know the right moment of loyalty overwhelming those values. Eh I'd say that's covered under the integrity they carry in their actions myself.

But who's to judge what actions fall under what perception of "integrity"?

Finding a person who proclaims a set of morals no matter how distasteful I find them, so long as I see them following the code they can set for themselves, I can usually describe that person as having "integrity".
There are exceptions (the WBC comes to mind), but accepting that we all have different values is part of life.

I count as my friends people who have not caused me irreparable harm and whom I consider trustworthy. For the most part that encompasses the people on these boards, my best friend Colton and a few other people I am lucky enough to know.

[psychokind]

Ratty Randnums wrote:

psychokind wrote: Valerie Valens wrote: I have seen frendships grow and drop pretty quickly. To me, it all comes down to the kind of values they hold and the integrity they carry in their actions. and to know the right moment of loyalty overwhelming those values. Eh I'd say that's covered under the integrity they carry in their actions myself.

hm, how about a gang-girl punches your female friend in her face? it's not very integer to punch girls, but here your loyalty overwhelms your integrity.

IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE, and maybe a bad one - but there are plenty of situations where your loyalty commands your integrity to sit back and watch.

[Jason Tandro]

I'd never hit a woman, but I have no problem restraining a woman until the proper authorities (I hate using that term) arrive.

I'm 245 pounds and 5'9". I am more than capable of taking a few punches and don't feel the need to punch a girl in return.

And yes, that is one of my moral codes.

[psychokind]

Jason Tandro wrote:

I'd never hit a woman, but I have no problem restraining a woman until the proper authorities (I hate using that term) arrive. I'm 245 pounds and 5'9". I am more than capable of taking a few punches and don't feel the need to punch a girl in return. And yes, that is one of my moral codes.

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IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE, and maybe a bad one - but there are plenty of situations where your loyalty commands your integrity to sit back and watch.

I talked against a wall

[Jason Tandro]

psychokind wrote:

Jason Tandro wrote: I'd never hit a woman, but I have no problem restraining a woman until the proper authorities (I hate using that term) arrive. I'm 245 pounds and 5'9". I am more than capable of taking a few punches and don't feel the need to punch a girl in return. And yes, that is one of my moral codes. Quote: IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE, and maybe a bad one - but there are plenty of situations where your loyalty commands your integrity to sit back and watch. I talked against a wall

Oh I know, but I just figured while we were on that subject I'd mention it.