Secret Confessions of Things You Didn't Do

[Jason Tandro]

Because I'm bored, let's start a thread where you tell a deep, dark, and entirely fictional, secret.

Like me, for instance. Every Friday I would go to Macy's to cut the head off a mannequin and bury it in the backyard. I did this for many weeks until finally a cop got suspicious. They unearthed all mannequin heads that I buried, but found that no actual crime had been committed, except theft. I paid Macy's the fine and then used the nice big hole they dug in my backyard as a swimming pool where I drowned my wife.

The perfect crime...

[Freedan]

I used to dress in a blue shirt and khaki pants, and head to the local Best Buy.

I'd pick up a few things, and tell them that it was defective, and I was supposed to take it back to the warehouse for refurbishing.

The warehouse was my garage.

And there was no refurbishing.

And I sold it to fund the murder of my enemies.

[Mantaray]

So I hid a treasure chest beneath a mall construction. When they found it a few hundred years by following a map I made that claimed to have gold inside, there was only air and a few worms.

They thought the worms ate it.

I tricked them.

They had no idea what to do with the worms except go fishing. But the only fish that existed by then were living next to Santa Clause. My minions ate the rest.



So this is what comes to mind when running only on tea in the middle of the night? Psh.