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Jason Tandro
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PostJason Tandro Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:51 am   Post subject: Advertise Your Country Reply with quote

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Saw this idea for a thread on TheLifestream forums and decided to take it over here as well. This is a good bit of satire fun.

(be warned, the below advertisement is 80% satire and not a provocation for a political debate)

===

WHITE?
CHRISTIAN?
HETEROSEXUAL?
MIDDLE-TO-UPPER CLASS?

If you answered "YES" to all of the above, have I got a country for you! The United States of America is more than just a country, but a


GLOBAL SUPERPOWER!!!!!!

Take a look at these amazing features!

[ ] A guaranteed bill of rights, that is really only guaranteed for people like you and easily circumvented for undesirables!

[ ] A happy, hard-working populace, that consists largely of illegal immigrants who work for next to nothing. We secretly employ them with our left hand and try to deny them all basic human rights with the right hand. And they still think they're getting a great deal!

[ ] A police force trained to make society safe for people like you. This involves, arresting without reason, abusing or flat out killing undesirables! They don't even mind if you speak out against them so long as they continue to get kickbacks!

[ ] An antiquated complicated tax code designed to confuse the working class and keep the middle and upper class from ever paying anything more than their fair share... which is of course significantly less than the working class!




WE HAVE THE LARGEST MILITARY FORCE IN THE WORLD, AND ACCORDING TO OUR HISTORY BOOKS WE'VE NEVER LOST A WAR (1812, Korea and Vietnam were "ties"!)

REST SAFE KNOWING THAT OUR MILITARY FORCES ARE POLICING ALL OF AMERICA'S ENEMIES TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR!

STILL HAVEN'T SOLD YOU ON THE COUNTRY? Well check out these incredible statistics!

- 17th in Education! Source
- 38th in Healthcare! Source
- 1st in Crime! Source


IT'S A VERDANT PARADISE FOR THE RIGHT KIND OF PEOPLE, IF THEY HAVE MONEY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JOIN AMERICA TODAY!!




===

Satire over. To clarify, this was satire, I do love my country, even with its many many many many many flaws. And I have nothing against our troops at all.
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psychokind
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Postpsychokind Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2015 7:45 am   Post subject: Reply with quote

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I'll give it a try Very Happy

-----------------------------------------------------------

Do think of yourself as a masochist? Do you often feel alone and think there's no place for you? Do you dream of a world where you can publicly enjoy your suffering with others?

Well, do not despair my friend.

Come visit GERMANY!

We offer you:

    1. A society of 60 million white masochists that hate their nation, heritage and culture so much they found and elect parties which encourage fighting, demonstrating and sabotaging the state they want to govern

    2. A society that already trains its kids to get up so early and work so long but avoid work as much as they can in the meantime so that they see no sunlight at the end of the day and look down on everybody who works faster to enjoy more of their freetime

    3. A society that is totally overchallenged by 20 million immigrants but encourages immigration so much it's immigration rates are literally exponential

    4. A society so in need of helping everyone in the world while sacrificing itsself it even invented the word "Gutmenschentum" to describe it which exists in no other language

    5. A society that enjoys being affected by a growing adolescent immigrant crime statistic so much it ridicules its own police force even going so far as politicians forcing the slogan "the police - your friend and helper"

    6. A society that enjoys chaining its own freedom so much at least once a week you read of a politician or influental person that loses everything because they literally get caught using a single forbidden word


Still not convinced?

What about...

Our healthcare system that includes a 2-class insurance which is famous for it's understaffing in the caring sector and guarantees undignified aging without money?

Our judicial principe of punish the the ones the most who lead the most normal life to give them a "warning" not to lose their righteous path?

#### BLACK, RED & GOLD - WE SUFFER TILL WE'RE OLD ####

--------------------------------------------------------

that felt good, good idea jason Very Happy damn, if you wouldn't laugh about it you'd cry.
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Jason Tandro
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PostJason Tandro Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2015 10:09 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote

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Psycho: Sometimes you need to use humor to vent. Taking the piss out of one's country helps make it seem less horrible in a sad, sad way.
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psychokind
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Postpsychokind Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 3:03 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote

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Jason Tandro wrote:
Psycho: Sometimes you need to use humor to vent. Taking the piss out of one's country helps make it seem less horrible in a sad, sad way.


Yap. It's not as bad as it seems, but especially in my field of work you only get to see the worst.
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PostFazermint Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:27 pm   Post subject: Reply with quote

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After living in the Netherlands for 5 years, I've definitely got some gripes with this country. Lemme at it

THE MO'FOCKIN NETHERLANDS

Welcome to the country where just about everyone are walking around with sticks up their rear. Fun? Love? Mutual respect? You won't have time for any of that nonsense here!

We are an extremely money-oriented nation, yet our politicians have no financial sense whatsoever! We focus all our efforts towards profit generation, and then we lend it out to other countries with no means of ever paying back! Almost bankrupt? No problem! We'll just cut expenses in health care and stop financing education!

Our business sector is filled with incapable imbeciles who deliver minimal value to their firm. Solid reasoning such as "I'm older than you, so I'm better than you" is a must have for anyone who wants to enter the business world. Want a job? Better kiss some serious ass! After you've actually SCORED a job, it doesn't matter what you do. Become a consultant, spend 90% of your time chit chatting and 10% working, and let your customers pay the full 100% for those 10%.

Everyone will have some way to assert that they are better than you. Feel confident about yourself in any way? Don't worry, someone will find a way to put you down. Are you an intelligent, kind person? Don't be, nobody appreciates that. What you need is to be a jerk, because being a jerk gets you up and about in this country. Don't forget that while other people are better than you simply for being older than you, you are also better than those born after you! YAY. Have a religion? Great, you can use that to lord your superiority around. You can laugh at non-believers, call them stupid if you want to, and nobody will even raise an eyebrow. It's actually expected of you to be a ginormous ass about your religion. If you're not an obnoxious ass, then what good is your religion? Enhancing your way of life? Providing peace in a chaotic world? HAH. Fuck all that. It's all about hating the muslims.

Do you enjoy the culinary arts? Well then get the fuck out. We only eat dry mashed potatoes with bitter vegetables.

Are you a romantic? Do you love someone unconditionally and wish to spend as much time with them as possible? Well, aren't you a big wuss. Please don't show any sign of affection in public, we hate that. Kissing is yukky. People are trying to do their groceries, and they don't want their appetite ruined by seeing you exchange saliva.

Do you enjoy peace and quiet? Do you enjoy some personal space? Then get the fuck out. Here people live in each other's faces. Houses are stacked in rows, in the most efficient and money-making way. Overpopulation is our slogan, and getting to your destination even if you have to push people out of the way is our motto. Starting the day early is important. Should you be one of those slackers who enjoy sleeping in during the weekends, don't worry! There will always be someone utilizing a chain saw, drill, hammer, or other noisy tool every morning at 8am or earlier.

Upon entry in this country, be sure to visit one of our stick booths. Assistance with getting it up your butt is recommended, and costs 100 euros.
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PostDeltaDude Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2015 3:08 am   Post subject: Reply with quote

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This looks interesting... I'll give it a go.
~~~
What do you think of living in

The Blessed Country called Suriname?

Yes, it definitely is blessed! Ask the people! They've been living blessedly ever after anyway! They've been saying that for a looong time!

Not convinced that it truly is blessed? Here are some toppings for this ice-cream!

- There are no natural disasters!
That is, if you agree with the people who call tornadoes "strong winds" and put the blame on rain, not on sewer pollution, when the streets and homes are flooded! Suriname's a free country, even littering is for free! No fines for parking at places where people walk! Our country is too blessed and beautiful to earn money from tourism!

- Possibly #1 in the Caribbean when it comes to deaths by traffic accidents!
Besides, doesn't it suck to be at the last place? Drunk drivers are the kings of the night streets and teen bikers are the princes of the day! If you're lucky, you can hit the headlines, dead or alive! Think you're not that lucky? Don't worry, traffic accidents happen everyday, bro! In a small city, you can be the lucky one too!

- The place is governed by an ex-assassin and his buddies! They take "donations" from other countries without knowing they should pay back! Doesn't it sound cool? Try to keep your cool though, when you see no decrease in amount of crimes everyday! From thieves stealing gas tanks and cars to teen boys killing each other for small reasons!

- A mosque beside a synagogue! That's nice as long the curtains are half-open! Silence is golden, therefore silent discrimination is a way to cope with life! No one is skilled enough to see that!

That's all the toppings I could possibly give. But here's a cherry!

- There's always 1, 2 or even 3 national free days each month! YES, on that day you're free from work and/or school! Who cares about having a productive country when you have a
BLESSED country?

So take this ice-cream with toppings and a cherry and enjoy the blessed flavour while ignoring everything else!
~~~
That's all folks. Was this too much? Tongue out
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PostMiss Prime Blue Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2016 2:36 am   Post subject: Reply with quote

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MAKE AMERICAH GREAT AGAIN!


If you're white, male, god-fearin', straight, and possibly an old dude, you've got it made, the sky is the limit!

anything else? to the back of the line with you, we don't want your kind round' here


also:

Donald Trump .. we like that guy.


also:

we made Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila famous and they are allowed to make records and sell them.

This is our Theme song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqZaQKskP-A


wait! where are you going?!... no... come back
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