The Unforgiven Soul

[SoulBlazerFan]

We all have our demons. We all have inner depths of our minds that we try to hide from everyone else. I'm not that kind of person. I'm very openly honest with people, and don't mind speaking my mind if it's justified.

This is a brief account of something that's been plagueing me. It's a letter of apology I've written to someone, a person who will never be able to read it. As always, I'll warn you in advance... the subject matter is really dark. Reader descretion is advised...

I told myself you took the easy way out. I believed you had escaped from this world, leaving behind your dark deeds and getting away with them by being anointed for sainthood. I hadn’t forgiven you, I refused to forgive you, for I had felt what you had done to me was far too insidious, far too dastardly. I felt as though you had escaped from the world, just to spite me.
I think about it, from time to time now. It wasn’t like it had been then, when it would hit me every day. The anger, the hatred I had for you was intense. You, and not you alone- many others, everyday brought me to a point and kept me there. It was like, being held underwater, not being able to breathe- as time when on, I fought back less and less, and gave in. I died, in a sense, and become a vengeful monster. I wanted nothing more than to make you all suffer for the way you had acted.
I never acted against you, not physically. Mentally, I prayed for your death, every day wanting you to just disappear and never come back, so I didn’t have to feel the pain you dealt to me. So I didn’t have to feel any pain at all.
Then I had heard you died, a tragic and painful death. I didn’t jump for joy; I was indifferent. I had asked for this “blessing” and then got it; but I didn’t care. I didn’t cry for you. I didn’t smile either. I’ll also tell you, I wasn’t surprised, either. I had seen you taking drugs before, during a class in school. I watched you holding the rolled five dollar bill, the white lines strained across your desk. I didn’t care then, and I didn’t care after your death.
Then I saw the praise- all the people who talked about you like you were gold. These people making you out to be some metaphorical martyr, a death for our generation to remember. I know you had friends. Some of them were good people- one or two having been my friend as well- and others like you, but not quite. Others like you, that had teased me, harassed me, and pushed me into the mud, literally and figuratively.
I hated you even more at that moment. I hated a dead man... could I even call you a man? You were barely nineteen if memory serves, not even old enough to drink, not ever having lived a full life. You left behind friendships, lovers, family and friends. You left behind this faux legacy that every gave to you, but you also left behind the people that hated you. The people that prayed you’d suffer.
So I took action, the action I thought was the best. I told everyone, publicly, about who you were and how bad you had treated me. I received a lot of criticism, and kudos too. People telling me how “fucked up” it was to discuss your death, just days after it happened. I tried to tell people to remember you, to remember how not to live your life. I tried to turn you into the kind of martyr you should have been from the beginning.
In a few months, it’ll be the second anniversary of your passing. I look back on my life, and can’t remember a thing you had done to me. So little, so petty in the grand scheme of things, I’d forgotten. I knew you had, but the memories of my youth are all but gone. You’re nothing but a picture on myspace now, and a memory of a kid who snorted cocaine in the middle of Algebra. My anger is gone, and now I feel remorse.
The truth is, even though you made me into a depressive person, it wasn’t just you alone. I hated you because you never apologized, no one ever did without being forced- and now you’re dead, remembered as a hero instead of the villain you had been to me. I wanted to take a step back, and say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the scathing words I used about you, I’m sorry to your friends and family for the light I had placed you in... and I wanted to say I forgive you for what you had done, because the truth is, what I did was far worse.
I watched you throwing your life away, doing drugs and did nothing about it. I watched a missed opportunity to save a life, and now you’re dead, and I know I could’ve done something. I’ll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life, and when I find myself on Judgment Day, I want to find you and personally apologize.
Now when it’s my turn for Judgment, I know the Lord will look at me in shame. It’s not you who has the burden on your soul, it’s me. I forgive you, but I will never be able to forgive myself. While I wasn’t the one who pushed you in front of that train- I never tried to help, either.

[Manibrandr System]

That was pretty deep, a good read.

[Hammerit]

Yeah nice indeed. Just a bit short ~.~