SBiF's Comedy Corner

[SoulBlazerFan]

I've just got a couple of adult jokes... read at own risk.

1:
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today".

2: A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

And finally, my favorite;

3: A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"


I hope you found those amusing, because I sure did. =D


SBiF

[Coz]

First, stupid granma.

Second, well, shit.

Third, biggest idiot ever.

Remember that marketting schemes suck.

[Muerte]

haven't heard those for awhile (or similar ones or something) still ... good enough ... though i've heard better ... i can'ty remember what -_-

[inferiare]

Bwahaha XD I got a somewhat adult joke for ya.... heard it from the demo lady at the store, of all places.

A mother, concerned that her daughter is having "problems", goes to the doctor. She proceeds to tell the doctor "I think my daughter is sexually active! What should I do about it?"
The doctor responds to her "Well, I can't diagnose anything until I talk to her, but get her a box of condoms, give them to her and talk to her about it."

So the mother buys a box of condoms, and one night while her daughter is ready to go out, she hands the box of condoms to her daughter. The daughter laughs, and wraps her arm around her mom and says "Oh mom, I don't need those, I'm going out with Alice tonight!"

[Axe Kazama]

funny...
here's one I pulled out of my arse:
A woman is giving birth to a child, the doctor patiently waiting for the woman finally sees the baby and pulls it out. Having a quick glimpse of the child the doctor then throws the newborn to the closest nurse, the nurse then throws to another nurse, who then throws it to the last nurse in the corner, who then slams the baby in the bin. "TOUCHDOWN!" one of the nurses replies and the crew are cheering and giving each other hi fives, the woman completely shocked, yells "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!?" and the doctor replies "oh! the baby was already dead anyway"

[blazer]

how bout these ones

1 A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors,
but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out,
screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and
relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children
and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
?

2 In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature.
He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most
unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice.
He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk.
At that moment the farmers daughter came in.
With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded

3 One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking
for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner
suggested a
parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young
man
asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his
feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the
parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!
..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's
right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
" Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran
home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife
saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man
replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man
whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as
the
shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and
out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we
hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's
try
it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the
lighter
between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and
the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of
his
life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

4 A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has
his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"
you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should
I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like
you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and
WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her
lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?"
asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your
husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,
and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.