TE Soap Operas Here At Last

[Jason Tandro]

As The Stomach Turns

When last we left TerraEarth, Joan was having a fight with her lover and rival XenaJen…

“Oh you treat me like garbage!” Said an inebriated Joan.
“All I know is I wasn’t the one kissing Axe in Charlottesville,” Xena replied.
Joan sat down on her couch, delicately sipping from the bottle of cognac which Xena had placed there earlier.
“This is just great. I’ve become the bad guy now. I had to do it! What with Raini being a single mother ever since that jerk Freedan left TE,” Joan shouted.
“He wouldn’t have left if you hadn’t threatened his manhood!” Retorted Xena.
“Oh no, no…” Joan moaned.

It had been so long ago. A party all but forgotten in the wake of what would later be deemed a “wild night”. Freedan and Raini were celebrating their firstborn son, Freedan Jr. It was, of course, what Joan ruled to be the best time to confess her love to Freedan as she was sure he’d spend the rest of his days looking for an “out”.

Freedan was in the hall, Raini was in the bedroom, and Joan made her way cautiously down the stairwell, squeezing past Jason Tandro, the town gossip. He had crossed her at every step, revealing her love of bondage, her estranged crack-addict mother, and her lesbianism. Well actually that was already “old news” by the time he got to it, but she still hated the thought behind it.

“Freedan,” Joan said, wrapping her left (or “whip”) arm around Freedan’s neck, and digging her knee into his stomach. “Take me now!”
“You’re drunk,” Freedan said, blushing slightly.
“I’m drunk but your sexy and I’ll be sober in the morning,” Joan smiled. {Props to Winston Churchill for the original line. Replace “sexy” with “ugly”}.

And before he knew what he was doing Freedan was Joan’s. Of course, he was drunk too and could not be held responsible for his actions. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

“And ever since then, he’s left TE forever,” Joan whined.
“Since what and who? You just stared off into space and started talking. I thought you had a seizure or something,” Xena replied.
“Oh maybe I did. Maybe Freedan leaving was all a dream?” Joan asked.
“No. You want ‘Who Shot Dpit?’ That was last year sweety,” Xena replied.
“Oh, pooh.” Joan pounted.

Meanwhile at Raini’s house…

“I’ll be back with more thugs if yous’e don’t pays your bills,” said a mysterious cloaked man, with the mob.
Raini sat on a chair, arms clutching a picture of her husband and their son, Freedan Jr. She wore the same blue dress that she wore on their first anniversary. She still had the blue ring from their first adventure… so long ago.

“Now, where’s is the rest of the money?” The mob boss asked.
“It’s all with my no-good husband. He stole it all when he left.” Raini replied, a tear in her eye.
“That’s too bad. I certainly hope lover boy shows up in town in three days,” The mob boss said grabbing Raini’s arm. “Otherwise it’ll be the worse for you and your boy. Unless of course you can come up with some way to accumulate 100,000,000 yen in three days.”

With that, the mob boss lifted Raini high above his head and threw her to the ground in a startling crash. One of the gangsters grabbed Freedan Jr, and they headed to their car out front. Raini dragged herself over to the phone and called the one person she could trust. Axe Kazama.

Meanwhile, Axe was busy calculated the age of the pickles in his refrigerator when the phone rang.

“I wonder who could be calling at this hour?” Axe asked. “Maybe it’s my rich brother! Maybe he’s finally come to his senses and is going to write me back into his will!” He picked up the telephone. “Hello, who is this?”
“It’s Raini,” coughed a disheartened Raini.
“Rainichan, so glad you called, I-“
“Listen. The mobsters. They’ve taken my son. I’m just sad the mob boss didn’t have a bondage fetish like Joan.”
“Why?”
“Because I am one hot bitch when I’m cornered!” Shouted Raini smashing something in the background.
Axe’s eyes crossed. “Joan?”
“No,” Raini said. “I don’t know why I said that. Sorry.”
“Not at all. I’ll be right over.”
The two hung up the phones, respectively.

Back at Joan’s Estate…

“I can’t believe it!” Joan shouted.
“What?” Xena asked.
“Raini’s son has been kidnapped.” Joan replied.
“By who? The DSS?” Xena asked.
“No, by a mob!”
“Raini was involved in a mob?”
“No, but Freedan was, and boy howdy wasn’t he!”

Ah, it was so long ago. Freedan had just gotten out of Terra Earth Dark Knight Finishing School for Young Boys and Girls Who Love Them, when he found that he was 120,000,000 yen short in student loan payments. A local loan shark and gossip columnist was glad to pay the fee. Freedan managed to pay back the first 20,000,000 yen in his first year as knighthood, but he spent the rest of the money on his expensive engagement ring for Rainichan.

“And now Raini must pay the cost!” Joan wailed.
“Uh, Joan. You did it again.” Xena replied.
“I like to keep my enemies confused.”

Later, at Raini’s House…

“It was so awful. He came in here and demanded the money.” Raini cried.
“Wait a minute. Isn’t he also a gossip columnist. It must be that cheating scumbag Jason Tandro,” Joan shouted.
“Cheating scumbag present,” sighed Jason Tandro. “If it were me I would have taken Raini with me and ransom would be the last thing on my mind.”
There was a pause.
“Anyway…” Raini replied. “No, I’m going to get my son back. I’ll just have to offer myself to the boss.”
“You wouldn’t! Raini, you’re not yourself!” Axe shouted.
“Then I’ll bite his ears off,” Raini scowled.
“That’s more like it,” Jason chuckled.

That night, the entire party snuck to the Boss’s house. They all watched as Raini made the rather successful plea for her sons life. Freedan Jr was returned to Joan and the two retired to their bedroom.

One hour later….

“Did it work?” Axe asked.
“Well, I haven’t heard from either of them in an hour,” said Jason, who was standing watch at the door. There was an annoyed expression on his face, and his eyes were closed. “The first five minutes were enough to make me puke. I think if I had to walk in there my eyes would have melted clean off.”
“We need to check on her!” Joan shouted.
“Be my guest, I ain’t going in there,” Jason replied, standing clear of the door.
“How can you be so callous?!” Xena demanded.
“Easy. It’s the net.” Jason replied.
“True…” Xena replied walking in.

There, inside the bedroom was a ghastly sight. Raini was sitting at the edge of the bed, wearing her dress, but no shoes. The Boss stood on the opposite side of the room, holding a cigarette in his hand.

“Well, it seems that the boss wants to remain abstinent,” replied to annoyed Raini. “Of course he didn’t tell me right away. He waited for me to get changed into a bunny suit first and then he told me.”

“I just don’t know if I’m ready to have kids yet you know. After taking care of your brat for a whole day I think I’m blown on the whole kid deal.” The boss said.
“Kids at least,” Joan grinned.
Suddenly the boss turned around and took off his hat. It was none other than Flamez.
“And now, I am going to do something really terrible to make sure I get my moneys worth!”
Flamez pulled out a large wooden board with a nail in it. Suddenly, Freedan burst into the room. “I have come to save you Rainichan!”
“So there you are! You left me with 100,000,000 yen debt, and a screaming kid, and a perverted mob boss just because Joan came on to you!” Raini shouted, smacking Freedan.
”But I was…”
“Joan comes onto everybody!” Raini smacked Freedan again.
“Hey!” Joan shouted.
The group stared at her.
“Oh, alright fine…” Joan muttered.
“Well you see,” Freedan was cut off by another smack.
“And to top it all off I see you went to Tokyo,” Raini pointed at his suitcase. “Without me!” Smack. Smack. Smack.
“ MAY I AT LEAST EXPLAIN MYSELF! YOU SEE I WAS LOCKED AWAY BY THIS MOB BOSS!” Freedan shouted.
“Oh. That’s very different. Nevermind,” replied Raini. She ran up to hug him.
“Wait a minute!” Jason shouted. “Before you smother him a passionate montage of lovey-dovey stuff I have something to say!”

What is it that Jason has to say? And what about Rainichan? Will she ever land a job as a Playboy playmate or will she end up serving time for stealing the Bosses manhood? And what about Freedan? Will he be able to make up for lost time after needing to be rescued by a woman who brings a power tool to bed? And what about Joan and XenaJen? Will their love life ever come together, and if so, for how long? And what about Axe Kazama? Will his brother ever call him, and if so what will he call him?
And what about Jason Tandro, the inadequate author and gossip columnist? Will his newspaper be a success, or will it flop when he realizes that stories about Lesbians, bondage, violence, reckless love and cheap jokes don’t pay the pickle man anymore? For the answer to these and equally meaningless questions, tune in next time… As The Stomach Turns

[Freedan]

Brilliant story. :mrgreen:

I'm an adulterous jackass who gets in trouble with the mob and walks out on his family. And gets slapped a lot.

[Jason Tandro]

I thought itt'd be somewhat familiar.

[Freedan]

It's like you've known me all my life.

[Axe Kazama]

I love it!! ^^
even though I haven't read it
I just saw Axe and I thought it kicked some arse

[Manibrandr System]

Kickass.

[Freedan]

On the next episode.... Deathpit dies a terrible, terrible death. No explanation given.

[Axe Kazama]

I can live with that

[inferiare]

Lol, I love it. XD I'm...*slowly* still writing my follow-up to your TE Adventures.

[Freedan]

Get to work.

Please. :mrgreen:

[inferiare]

Be nice, or I bring out the squeaky mallets.

[Freedan]

Squeakies are neat. They squeak.

Take those mallets and swing 'em like the SSBM hammers.

[inferiare]

Ok, don't make me bring out the "heavy artillary"

[Freedan]

Do I wanna know what that means?

[inferiare]

Remember: I bite.