Video Game Veteran's Real Life Survival Guide

[Jason Tandro]

Something I just wrote to help hardcore gamers survive in the real world:

The Video Game Veteran’s Real Life Survival Guide

1. Eating strange plants and fruits you find in the wild will not restore your health. Odds are they’ll probably make you sick.
2. In that same vein if you see an ebullient liquid that’s been sitting in a chest waiting to be discovered, DON’T DRINK IT.
3. That neat pebble you felt strangely compelled to pick up will, for time and all eternity, remain a useless pebble.
4. Despite your years of experience, you should know that the Fabled Sword of Albion won’t protect your from a bullet. Ditto for that Fabled Armor.
5. There are no save points, respawns, or continues. Ever.
6. Jumping from cliffs is not a time-saving talent. Rolling at the end of the fall will not help either.
7. Letting complete strangers travel with you, hang out with you, and sleep with you rarely ends well.
8. Rarely will you find items in the corpse of an animal, and it’s usually not something to carry with you.
9. People generally don’t like it when you enter their house randomly and start looting through their belongings.
10. If one of your party members claims to be a “magician”, carefully inspect any food or beverage he offers you.
11. Wearing the same outfit for days at a time is frowned upon.
12. If you should find yourself in combat, be aware that very rarely will your adversary wait kindly for you to take your turn.
13. Quests and Experience Points don’t look good on resumes. Not even dragon slaying.
14. Your mom asking you to mow the lawn is not a side-quest, it’s a chore.
15. If you need this guide, even a damsel in distress would be out of your league.

[Manibrandr System]

lol that's pretty amusing!

Got any more?

[EverPhoenix]

that is quite funny.

Phoenix Downs don't work. Ever.

[chicken]

living on the third floor will actually not improve your level.

[Mantaray]

Don't pick up an animal and throw it. It's mean

[EverPhoenix]

Don't pick up an animal and throw it. It's mean

i think a Link To The Past is as good a deterrent against animal cruelty as any

[Freedan]

- A good night's sleep won't cure all of your wounds. Check your local hospital. Further, if you're beaten to the point where you're near death, you probably won't be able to walk around and function as well as when you're perfectly healthy. If getting a firm slap upside the head would kill you, you're probably lying on the ground waiting to die anyway.

- Sneaking in to restricted areas isn't easy. Turns out, guards don't patrol in predictable, circular patterns.

- Once you get a running start and jump, you can't change your direction 3 times in mid-air. Jumping around corners doesn't work.

- Piloting a vehicle - especially something like a plane or blimp - is more complicated than "A = accelerate, B = brake". Don't expect to board an aircraft and fly like an expert.

- One person probably can't move a large, square stone boulder twice their size by themselves by pushing on it with their shoulder. And good luck pulling on it, especially if it's perfectly flat.

- Places that have every door unlockable only after solving some kind of puzzle aren't very practical. What if someone has to use the bathroom?

- Chances are that one outfit you wear that you never change isn't suitable to every climate... climbing icy mountains, venturing in to a volcano, or slogging through a sewer. And if you do go through the sewers, that outfit probably won't be fit to keep any more.

- Speaking of sewers, they aren't a sprawling metropolis with room for half a dozen people to fan out and explore. They're dark, they're gross, and they're very, very cramped.

- Also, don't go venturing in to a volcano. There's a little something called 'convection' that will fry you if you get too close to lava. And don't think you can just jump across a bunch of rocks to cross it.... they don't float.

[Jason Tandro]

@Freedan: OMG! You've got some good ones there.

We should all contribute, and then send a copy into like Game Informer or something!

[EverPhoenix]

-there isnt anything that will instantly restore health or mana. come to think of it, the concept of health isnt one that can be represented with a number.

-walking around towns carrying a sword isn't a good idea. you'll get arrested.

-frying pans aren't practical weapons, don't expect general stores to carry the mithril variety.

-there are no "random" encounters.

-the main villain will never carry a sword, so you can't pick him out early.

[inferiare]

- If you have to follow this guide, you aren't going to get the ending where you bang the hot girl you fantasize about for the duration of your "game."

[tay120n64]

-It's not wise to let your ten-year-old travel by themselves across the country. Even if you send them with a pet.

-Even if there were aliens from space, the likelihood of them being slain by children with bats and yo-yo's is out of the question.

-Just because someone says something different every time you speak to him doesn't mean you should continue to bother him.

-A sword that has been stuck in a stone deep in a forsaken forest for centuries probably will not have the structure to cut anything.

-Don't punch brick walls that overlay the sidewalk. Aside from the fact that it will hurt, it's also highly unlikely that they will house coins or drugs.

[Dark_Gaia]

-dont jump off cliffs (canyon in terranigma). u wont be fine after the land